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As we attempted to plumb the depths of history to find more information on Big Farley’s origins, we were left gobsmacked and staring down the barrel at far more questions than the answers we were seeeking. Did Big Farley really knock someone off a boat by hitting them in the face with a 32 inch amberjack? Why did he wrestle alligators under the alias “Big Biscuits” Johnson? Could it possibly have been true that he trained cockroaches to stay out of his Florida apartment by keeping dead cockroaches on sticks as warnings to the rest? What the hell is wrong with this man?

     While we were not able to discover the answers to these and many other questions, here are the facts that our investigation unearthed

  1. After feeling too confined and restricted during his stay at the Home for the Tragically Awesome, Farley burned it to the ground. When asked why he took such drastic action, Farley stated simply, “I wanted Nutty Buddies.”
  2. It has been confirmed that Big Farley was, at one point, slated for execution by the mythical tribe of  female warriors known as Amazons, only to seduce the Amazonian Princess Erin and marry her. They are still married and she is his most ardent supporter. (side note: Erin also still carries her Amazonian spear and sword- do NOT mess with her)
  3. He invented the revolving tie rack.
  4. He wrote the screenplay for Goodfellas at age 11.
  5. He vanquished the Kraken armed with only his wits, a coathanger, and an industrial sized jar of Vaseline.
  6. His son Rowan is his biggest love and is endowed with a supernatural adorability that is almost impossible to resist. It is hoped Rowan will use these powers for good.
  7. His ability to binge watch shows is inhuman. Seriously, it’s like for the love of God just go to bed!
  8. His degree from the University of North Alabama is in Communications. All American Awesomeness was his minor.

     These are all the facts that our extensive investigation could find. Big River Broadcasting continues to offer their thoughts and prayers to those investigators who have been treated for psychoses in the aftermath of their fine work. God Bless and Godspeed.